The Tudors
Showtime, Sun 10.pm

Glorious Rome ended last Sunday. Quite a nice incentive to give the next big historical TV-drama a shot. Its premise didn't look to bad for an anglophile like me. Give me an English accent and my knees go weak (too bad, they turned out to be quite subdued). A time of change (Renaissance! Humanism! Early Capitalism! yeah). And lots of political intrigues (strange life, if this is one of the things you can relate to most easily).
So - here it comes, the recap of the premier in two parts - in English to avoid all the difficulties, which accompany language-switching.

p.s.: The Showtime homepage seems to be only acessible via computers located within the US which leads me to the assumption that they are planning to invade Kazachstan.

0:32 Castle of Urbino. … and the English Ambassador arrives – hectically walking through the corridors – fast-paced West Wing style. Seemingly someone dragged him right from his bed to this rather impromptu summit. He is pissed, more so when a group of hot French soldiers stab him to death. Blood, slowly spilling over the marble floor seems to be state of the art in period dramas these days. At least it's aesthetically pleasing.

2:20 Whitehall Palace. King's council – which means: all the happy folks together. Buckingham, Norfolk, Cardinal Wolsey, Thomas Moore. Henry VIII is agitated since it was his uncle they murdered. Bummer. Aggressive politics from the Frenchmen, who are bullying the pope and should be ruled by an English king in the first place, yadda, yadda. It’s been a long time since the Hundred Year’s War. Maybe it would be wise to let the grudge go. Nevertheless the king screams: all just causes for war. Wolsey - played by Sam Neill - looks tired and unhappy about this unruly child on the throne. Every time I see him, I expect a group of hungry dinociraptors breaking into the scene. That would be a blast.
Anyway: They're all in for asskicking the French - except Wolsey and Moore, who look like they would rather put their energy into developing a tiny, little project to bring these two great Nations together, like for example a broadcasting-station as a beacon of cultural interchange. Nevertheless they chicken out and concur. Shortest war council ever.

5:42 Now that all is settled just fine, the king can go to 'play' – which is exactly what he does if this particular game involves burying ones head between the legs of a naked blonde spread out on a very lovely embroidered mattress. It all looks quite clean and fresh - where is all this plague-infested crop on the floor we were taught about in High School?

7:18 Hampton Court: Wolsey reminds the French Ambassador and his sidekick Bishop Bonnevet that he has always acted in France’s best interests – but leading Henry astray from his war-plans: tricky. The French are trying to act all smooth and poker-faced, playing good cop, bad cop – only to come to the lame conclusion, that – please with sugar-cherry on top – Wolsey should pacify the young lion ...
... who currently plays a tennis double match in his ridiculously short royal knickerbockers. They even have the leisure to hit on Buckingham’s daughter while doing it.

10:01 Catherine of Aragon, who looks slightly older and a ton more intelligent than her husband and said husband have one of those standard royal loveless dinners. She expresses her interest in politics (albeit on behalf of her Spanish relatives) as well as her interest in pleasing Henry in the more romantic field of spousal intercourse. He will have neither of it. Dumbass.
Later at night he obviously has a change of heart and visits Catherine’s chambers after sucking on a passion fruit. Oh, the times before viagra. Naturally she's praying - those Spaniards! – which gives Henry a convenient way out, not before informing his wife’s court lady about his matrimonial intentions while staring into her cleavage.

13:48 Sex with the court lady. Of course. Bless private television for all the nudity.

14:55 Pseudo-medieval show-tournament. At the beginning of the 16th century only a shell of the symbolic display of love, war, hierarchy and general psychosis it once was. Boring. Chivalry is dead. Firearms are not.

17:36 On with the never-ending and slightly tiresome story of Wolsey and the French courting each other. Wolsey offers the outline of a super-new peace treaty. What wants his Eminence in return? Nothing from you, stumpy Ambassador. It is something only the French Bishop can offer. huh? Steamy clergy sex? I’m sure we will know soon enough.

18:34 Tournament. Again. His Majesty's lance crushes Lord Buckingham (foreshadowing much?) to the glee of his also attending daughter. Daughter-father relationships. Never easy.

21:22 River Thames. The king's barque floats through the water. There are a ton of old Henry VIII movies and I've seen my share of them, which makes me exactly the kind of expert to say: NOT the most daring visual style here, folks.
Sir Thomas Moore and his happy family of little scholars await our Highness on the shore. Our Highness wears aunt Petunias sofa-plaid by the way. Maybe he should seek council from his wife and give the minimalist Spanish black court-attire a try.
Thomas - self-righteous, non-ambitious and pious men he is - doesn't like the filthy court. Furthermore - as a Humanist - he has an abhorrence of war and informs Henry so. Thomas prefers spending huge amounts of money for the welfare of the people. Poor chap, born 420 years too early for an office in a social democratic post-war government. Morus, little advice: stay in your idyllic hideaway and keep on writing about strange islands. Otherwise IT WON'T END WELL FOR YOU.

23:42 Boorish Lord Buckingham roams the halls and tells everybody who listens, that it is he, in fact, who is the legitimate heir to the throne as a direct descendant of Edward II. Delusional if he thinks that's anyway near good plotting.

24:43 Sex again. High time, as it has been nearly 8 minutes since the last bare ass. Buckingham’s daughter frolics with one of Henry’s men. Papa is not amused. His naughty daughter is - until he nearly breaks her nose. Too late for family therapy?

25:05 Dark-wooden den of Wolsey. Eminence looks weary. Lady Blount, who happens to be the Queen's court-lady the King bangs occasionally is here to inform Wolsey about her being with his Majesty's child. Now Eminence looks positively sick. Somehow I think he wishes he had taken over his father’s butchery instead of becoming the guy who does all the dirty work for this pretty-faced but stupid king. And to add insult to injury - all that without a good cup of coffee to keep one’s calm.

27:48 Eminence travels very picturesquely on donkey-back. Isn't that a bit much? Furthermore he sniffs a pretty herb-ornated orange to avoid the stench of all the unwashed commoners surrounding him. Classy. But I'm sure our savior did the exact same thing while entering Jerusalem. I hope Eminence gets his throat cut in the midst of a peasant upheaval. But we all know that this won't be the case.

29:10 Whitehall Palace. A very ragged-looking lower-class boy lingering the halls redeems himself by carrying an introduction by the Dean of Canterbury Cathedral. Apparently he can sing and compose. He is unsurprisingly named Thomas, which makes him the 4th Thomas on this show. Uninventive folk, those English people. What's wrong with Kevin? Anyway. Can't wait how THIS subplot turns out. snore.

We're halfway through the premier and which better point to stop than at this pinnacle of excitement.
What's going to happen next? Will Henry divorce his wife, found a new religion and stir up the continent? Who knows. Oh, suspense your name is period drama.